Insecure – not confident or sure; not highly stable or well-adjusted; deficient in assurance; beset by fear and anxiety
No matter what successes I achieve in my life, there is always a part of me that feels unconfident and unsure. I walk one step at a time like everyone else but for some reason I continue to feel unstable and unable to keep up with their pace. There’s a small part of me that daily fears of the unknown, whether it be in my failures or something unexpected, or beyond my control. This small part of me never fades, instead it stays consistent in it’s original size and shape, and at times begins to bulge with fierceness as I find myself begin to unravel in my own insecurities.
I am fragile and flawed. I am flesh and bone. I am a lousy husband and a disappointment to my children. I have failed my friends and family…and some I have hurt intentionally for my own gain….though I see these obvious offences and suffer in the choking pain of my own hand, I will never overcome or experience victory over them.
I am a sinner. I am a man.
I will always battle against this unseen piece of weight inside of me that I created; this piece of my mind that tells me I am worthless. I find no peace in my insecurities, they rip and tear at my heart…they cause me pain unimaginable…sometimes it even hurts to breathe.
Is there hope for me? Or will I always have to endure this part of myself that lives in painful uncertainty…this part of me that feeds off paranoia and thrives in the certainty that I will never measure up and become the man that people will be happy with…this part of me that fears everyday that somehow and someway, at the end of things…I will be the last one hurting.
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The words above came flooding out of me today; they’re words that I don’t like to talk about. Why don’t I like to talk about them? Simple….I do not like to admit my weaknesses. And that’s what these words are describing, my weaknesses. Some might think differently, but I would challenge you to understand to look deep and find the originator of these weaknesses…..insecurity.
I’ve been told by many that I’m not an insecure person, and I guess at times that makes me feel good. But the truth is I struggle with insecurities everyday. I suppose if we all were honest, we would admit to the same thing; no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel to do so.
Now, does this mean I live in a constant state of depression and self inflicted worthlessness, as it would appear from the words above?
Not at all.
Instead, I have come to find that there is one way of gaining ground on insecurity. There is one absolute way of feeling secure even though this small part of me tries to tell me different.
Faith in Jesus.
That’s right, I said it! Faith in my God helps me to conquer my insecurities…and in case you missed it, these insecurities are mine and mine alone. It would be very easy to deliberately and even unknowingly force my insecurities on others; my wife, my kids, my family and friends. And beyond that it’s even easier for those that I have dragged into my insecurities to take them on as their own.
I cannot do this, and I encourage you to not do it either.
Also, I always have to remember that I cannot overcome my insecurities by giving my insecurities what they want. And what my insecurities want and feed off of is my lack of faith.
You see, my faith in Christ, conquers uncertainty and fear. My faith in Christ gives me stability and strength; it leaves me feeling secure as a child of God, a husband, father, son, brother, and man. Without this faith I am left with nothing to give me support but myself, and that simply will not do. I have to have faith that God will work all things out for good.
Finally, I have to work through my insecurities with the right heart. If my only way of gaining victory over my insecurities is puffing up and trying to be better than everyone else so I make myself feel more valuable or accepted , well then…I’m going to fail and most likely cause myself and the others around me to have more struggles. Remember, we need help to overcome insecurity; we can’t do it on our own.
Remember….faith in Jesus will give you victory over this painful issue. And faith requires that you give up the one thing we hold onto the most tightly…control.
–Jeremy
