Twenty Seven

Another year has passed…my twenty seventh to be exact.  And while my short existence has offered me many unforgettable moments, my twenty seventh year was in particular, memorable both in the small and large things one can experience in life.  If you would be patient with me just a little (because this entry is gonna be long), I would like to share some of these things with you.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no notion that my existence is so important that everyone care’s about what happens in my life, I understand that I’m just not that great!  But my experiences have helped shape me into the man I am today…and if you felt enough for me to visit my blog, well I guess you might want to share in some of these experiences, whether they are big or small.  I tend to get lost in timelines, so there will be no order to this, just whatever comes to my head first.

In my twenty seventh year I was able to hear all my kids tell me they love me…their words of affection always came at the perfect times, and their expressions created a feeling inside of myself that I cannot explain.  My girls are my life, my breath, my heartbeat…if anyone sees anything good in me, you can thank my four little girls for most of it…life would not be life if I could not live for them and with them everyday.

In my twenty seventh year I was able to grow closer too and love more everyday, my beautiful wife Elizabeth.  We’ve grown so much together this last year, and I can say without a doubt, that Elizabeth has brought out the best in me, the real me.  I’m honored to watch her be a mother everyday to our kids, there is none better.  And I’m amazed at her love for me, and the quality of life she wants to live with me…I don’t deserve such an awesome woman by my side, but I’m so very grateful for her.  Elizabeth is my favorite, my person.

In my twenty seventh year I was able to watch my dad take control of his health and shed all the weight that had been holding him down for so long.  His attitude, energy, and outlook on life has changed in such positive ways, I’m so very proud of his hard work.  I’ve also been able to watch and be excited about my mom’s retirement this year.  If anyone has earned it, it’s my mom.  I’ve also been able to watch her grow in Christ and cling to Him in the hard times and good times, my mom is my daily inspiration for living for God…I only hope to have even a fraction of her determination as I get older, for the things of God.

In my twenty seventh year I was able to see my sister get engaged to an awesome man.  I know Lyndi has prayed about the future she is about to experience for a long time, and I believe God has provided her with a partner that will walk with her and help lead her family in a positive direction in their daily life.  I was surprised when they asked me to officiate the wedding, but I’m honored and thrilled to do this for Lyndi and Stewart in my twenty eighth year.

In my twenty seventh year I was able to experience Abby’s first day of school, something I will never forget.  Also, I was able to hear her teacher sing Abby’s praises about how well she does in school, as well as praise Danny, Elizabeth, Stephanie, and I for the job we’ve done raising her.  There were no better words than when her teacher said, “You can tell Abby is very well loved…” wow, that is just amazing words to a parents ears.

In my twenty seventh year, I was able to watch Maggie grow leaps and bounds in a short amount of time.  She started potty training, drinking out of cups with no lids or straws, and holding conversations! She’s growing up much too fast, but she will always be my little snicker!

In my twenty seventh year, I was able to watch Hannah dance in ballet class, it was hard to hold my emotions back as I saw my little girl growing before my very eyes, offering a glimpse of the person she will become through the movements of her little legs and beautiful smile on her face.

In my twenty seventh year, I was able to watch Emma in amazement as she sat down at her little drum kit and played the heck out of them!  I’m serious; she can rock a set of drums better than any kid I’ve ever seen!

In my twenty seventh year, Elizabeth and I were able to take a cruise and see waters we’ve only dreamed of.  We took in the whole experience with wonder, and we know without a doubt that such beauty, fun, and relaxation is absolutely something we will be doing again!  Kind of in the same vein, Elizabeth and I spent our anniversary camping at Lake Brownwood…swimming all day, cooking out, and at one point watching two of the SAW movies on my laptop, made for an awesome weekend!  I also was able to watch my first two movies at the drive in with Elizabeth!

In my twenty seventh year, I went from carpooling with Elizabeth, to receiving a truck from my parents on father’s day!  That’s right, my parent’s rock!

In my twenty seventh year, I was able to listen to the best music album I have ever heard in Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida.”  Many don’t like it…it’s kind of deep and the music is different than what people are use to…but my love for music caused me to look deeply at this album…and folks…there is none better that I have heard.  “I took my love down to violet hill, there we sat in snow. All that time she was silent still, so if you love me won’t you let me know? If you love me, won’t you let me know?”

Don’t we all want to know….I know you’re probably confused, but that’s why you need to buy the album and hear it for yourself to better understand!

And finally, in my twenty seventh year, I was able to spend time and grow with my family; and that is what is most important to me.  Beyond the material stuff, family is all that matters.

Thanks for your patience if you made it this far! :o)

Jeremy

INSECURE

Insecure – not confident or sure; not highly stable or well-adjusted; deficient in assurance; beset by fear and anxiety

No matter what successes I achieve in my life, there is always a part of me that feels unconfident and unsure.  I walk one step at a time like everyone else but for some reason I continue to feel unstable and unable to keep up with their pace.  There’s a small part of me that daily fears of the unknown, whether it be in my failures or something unexpected, or beyond my control.  This small part of me never fades, instead it stays consistent in it’s original size and shape, and at times begins to bulge with fierceness as I find myself begin to unravel in my own insecurities.

I am fragile and flawed.  I am flesh and bone.  I am a lousy husband and a disappointment to my children.  I have failed my friends and family…and some I have hurt intentionally for my own gain….though I see these obvious offences and suffer in the choking pain of my own hand, I will never overcome or experience victory over them.

I am a sinner.  I am a man.

I will always battle against this unseen piece of weight inside of me that I created; this piece of my mind that tells me I am worthless.  I find no peace in my insecurities, they rip and tear at my heart…they cause me pain unimaginable…sometimes it even hurts to breathe.

Is there hope for me?  Or will I always have to endure this part of myself that lives in painful uncertainty…this part of me that feeds off paranoia and thrives in the certainty that I will never measure up and become the man that people will be happy with…this part of me that fears everyday that somehow and someway, at the end of things…I will be the last one hurting.

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The words above came flooding out of me today; they’re words that I don’t like to talk about.  Why don’t I like to talk about them?  Simple….I do not like to admit my weaknesses.  And that’s what these words are describing, my weaknesses.  Some might think differently, but I would challenge you to understand to look deep and find the originator of these weaknesses…..insecurity.

I’ve been told by many that I’m not an insecure person, and I guess at times that makes me feel good.  But the truth is I struggle with insecurities everyday.  I suppose if we all were honest, we would admit to the same thing; no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel to do so.

Now, does this mean I live in a constant state of depression and self inflicted worthlessness, as it would appear from the words above?

Not at all.

Instead, I have come to find that there is one way of gaining ground on insecurity.  There is one absolute way of feeling secure even though this small part of me tries to tell me different.

Faith in Jesus.

That’s right, I said it! Faith in my God helps me to conquer my insecurities…and in case you missed it, these insecurities are mine and mine alone.  It would be very easy to deliberately and even unknowingly force my insecurities on others; my wife, my kids, my family and friends.  And beyond that it’s even easier for those that I have dragged into my insecurities to take them on as their own.

I cannot do this, and I encourage you to not do it either.

Also, I always have to remember that I cannot overcome my insecurities by giving my insecurities what they want.  And what my insecurities want and feed off of is my lack of faith.

You see, my faith in Christ, conquers uncertainty and fear.  My faith in Christ gives me stability and strength; it leaves me feeling secure as a child of God, a husband, father, son, brother, and man.  Without this faith I am left with nothing to give me support but myself, and that simply will not do.  I have to have faith that God will work all things out for good.

Finally, I have to work through my insecurities with the right heart.  If my only way of gaining victory over my insecurities is puffing up and trying to be better than everyone else so I make myself feel more valuable or accepted , well then…I’m going to fail and most likely cause myself and the others around me to have more struggles.  Remember, we need help to overcome insecurity; we can’t do it on our own.

Remember….faith in Jesus will give you victory over this painful issue.  And faith requires that you give up the one thing we hold onto the most tightly…control.

–Jeremy

Who Is Getting Between You And God?

Getting Out Of The Way

Who is getting in the way of your relationship with God?

Everyday there is a moment in my life when I sit in complete silence and think about all I could accomplish for God. In this moment I get a feeling in my chest; a feeling that is exciting, and I am overjoyed at the prospect of being apart of something bigger than myself, something bigger than our small minds can even grasp a hold of. In this moment I feel I have all the answers for why earlier in the day I felt crappy and out of whack. In this moment I finally feel truly unashamed and guilt free about my past. In this moment I realize that God can use me and that I can still proclaim His name with the greatest of authority, passion, and humbleness! But then I close my eyes, and then open them; and in just one second, that once amazing moment is taken away and suddenly I am back to normalcy again.

You’ve been there, right? You’ve been in that moment where suddenly everything seems clear and nothing is held back. You’re the most honest you’ve ever been and you dream as if yesterday never happened.

As I think about all this today, I don’t question why I have this moment of wonder; instead I question why I ever loose it. Is someone else getting in my way? Could it be satan maybe? Sure! But what if it’s not any of those things, what if it’s ourselves we are tripping up? What if for some reason I am sabotaging myself and everything God wants to do through me!

Why would we do this? Yes, that is a very good question, and can have so many answers. But here’s my initial thoughts…

• We are scared.We’re totally afraid of what might happen if we put ourselves out there for God.We so badly want to please God, but we also don’t want to step on toes or get out of our comfort zones even a little bit.
• We are lazy.We would all be lying if we didn’t admit to this one.Sometimes what keeps us away from God is our inability to say, “No” to our worldly desires. Turn off the television, stop listening to the music for awhile, step away from the computer, and get into God’s Word; allow yourself to experience some silence in your life and hear what God has to say.
• Instead of fearing to fail God, we worry more about what others will think if we stand up. In turn meaning we fear more about what other people think about us, than what God desires for our life.

I’ve had some ask me about my current header on my blog, and what “Do not be afraid,” means. And it is really something I say to myself everyday as I strive to get closer to God. I want to be brave enough to stand up for God and not let my own fears and selfishness get in the way. Because the truth is, I find that I get in the way with my relationship with God, more than anything else.

Do not be afraid…

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.”When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. “Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.”

Jeremiah 29

Keep Digging Abby…

Tonight as Elizabeth and I were putting the girls down to bed we were able to engage in some amazing conversation with Abby. I’ve always been amazed at how much information a child can retain, and while sometimes this can come back to haunt you :o)…tonight was very refreshing.

I’ll admit, while it’s always fun to listen to all the girls talk; Abby just has a way of putting herself completely into what she’s saying which in turn makes her conversation truly unique. And tonight as she told us about Jesus and all that he had done because, “He watches all of us, and g-lobes (Abby’s cute way of saying ‘loves’) everyone in the whole world!” I could not help but be taken by her completely. While some of what she was saying was funny, like, “my daddy said that Jesus laid on hay in a box, with a cloth wrapped around Him so the hay wasn’t so poky on Jesus.” There were other things that she said that I couldn’t help but be a little choked up over, like when she was praying and she said, “God, thank you for Jesus who died on the cross so now everyone loves Jesus.”

Her honesty and assertiveness was amazing, she is being taught these things about God, and it’s so awesome to hear her share what she’s learned. It’s even more awesome to watch the wheels turn in her head as you explain things to her. We talked about how big God is, and I told her that, “God is so big that He is in this room with us, but He’s also in the next room with Emma and Maggie.” She gave me a curious look and said, “What? God is with Emma, and He’s in here with us, are you serious?” And just to let you know, she really asked that, I”m not making that up! :o) She then said, “God’s not in here, I can’t see Him anywhere.” So Elizabeth told her, “You can’t see God, but He’s still in here with us.” The wheels really started turning then, but quickly she went on to another conversation, and never questioned what she had been told….what faith!

I’m not sure why I decided to share this experience, except to say that God is still here. This life is so crazy and we all get caught up in it. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that God is right next to us in the same room….and if he can teach and speak through little Abby, well, I’m sure He’s big enough to do the same for us. And just like Abby is so excited to learn and speak of Jesus, it should be our only desire to consume and express the same things…..keep digging Abby…..keep digging….

A Little Catch-up…

It’s been awhile since my last blog, so wow, where to begin.

My kids always seem to want to send me to an early grave; causing me to worry and panic about their health seems to be something they like to do.

Hannah Claire Walker

A little over a week ago, Hannah started limping on her leg and almost dragging her foot.  Crystal and I both thought it might be a strain of some sort, so we took her to the doctor and he took some xrays.  The first set seemed to show some kind of fracture behind the knee cap.  Of course we freaked out…the word, “fracture” is pretty disturbing, especially in connection with a two year old. The doctor decided to xray the other knee and found nothing there.  He let an orthopedic doctor look at the first xrays and he found nothing serious at all, and advised us to give Hannah Motrin for the next couple of weeks to help with any swelling she might have around the knee.  He ultimatley thought what we thought in the beginning…that Hannah had strained or pulled a muscle…so that was a huge relief!  And I totally believe God worked a miracle on this one!  And in case you were wondering, this being the second (almost) health scare with one of my kids, well; I do think I’m seeing some grey hairs in my head :o)

Elizabeth and I have been attending Beltway Park Baptist Church here of late.  We really love the preaching and the opportunities for service the church provides.  But for now we’re just taking things slow and letting things sink in.  It’s been awhile for both of us since we’ve really dived into God’s Word and taken it in….it’s so powerful and full of energy, as well as exciting and amazing….but it’s also scary and racks at your nerves a little.  It’s strange, but sometimes opening yourself up to God is like putting a quarter into a gumball machine; you never know what color or flavor you might get, but you’re always certain you’re going to get gum!  I don’t know if you guys know what I’m talking about…but I guess what I’m trying to say is, God is always there and that will never change; and God will always have a will and purpose for all of us, and that as well will never change…but when you finally figure out what His will is; it’s almost more nerve racking than all the worrying you did before!  God wants us to do amazing things for Him, and my worries of failing Him eat at me constantly, but I know somewhere in me there is strength…and that same strength lives in you as well!

Finally, I have been able to resign from my mall job at the Sunglass Hut.

I Love My Family!

I was there for two years, and while it tested my patience at times…it did connect me with people…and I have to tell you, I met and talked with hundreds of new people.  Not all of the conversation was deep or carried any substance obviously, but I still got to brush up and learn how to talk to people again, and in more than just a casual way.  And in the end, that’s what I love, is to get to know people and find out what their about and what they think!  It’s awesome!  It was time to move on though, the District offered me more hours, better pay, and a chance to spend more time with my family; so I knew it was the right thing to do.  Where one door closes another opens, right? :o)

Alright, I’ve got to end here.  More blogs to come!